


Support

by TheonSugden



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Gen, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6692455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Jay falls apart in the wake of his conviction and the shunning of the community, Paul watches Ben comfort him...and tries to put his jealousies aside to do the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Support

Jay slept on the sofa. 

Ben slept on the floor...when he slept at all.

If it hadn’t been Ben, Paul would have fought his gran’s frozen, withering smiles, her cold stares whenever Ben’s back was turned, but it was Ben. He knew Ben couldn’t handle what she had on the tip of her tongue, especially not now. 

He didn’t really know Jay that well - just knew Ben’s shadow, his brother, his best mate, warning him not to hurt Ben, not to hurt Abi. Still, he knew Jay never would have done what people said he did. If he thought Jay had, he wouldn’t have asked his grandparents to let him stay here. 

He loved Ben, but not to that extreme...that’s what he told himself, anyway, because otherwise he worried about just how far his feelings went, what would happen to him if Ben wasn’t there anymore. If Ben had never been there at all, beyond the thrill of an affair, the anguished delight of a forbidden love, the defiance of standing up to a bigoted, broken father. If it had never been about him at all. 

_“Look at Billy. Look what he does for them and how they treat him. He’s...he’s one of them and he still jumps when they say to jump. What will Paul do? What will he do when they’re through with him?”_

He was snapped out of the argument seeped in from his thin bedroom wall the night before when Jay padded into the kitchen, in a T-shirt he seemed to be drowning in, eyes blood red, skin deathly pale. 

“Sorry...” he said in a frightened whisper to Paul, or to the world in general. “I’ll go after I - I couldn’t stay with Billy and Honey with...”

Paul’s eyes filled with tears at what was left unsaid. Their kids. They’d lose their kids if they let Jay stay with them another night. 

“I...”

Jay couldn’t finish the rest, dropping the milk bottle, glass shards against his bare legs. Paul tried not to think of the symbolism, tried not to pay attention to the desolate look on Ben’s face as he led him into the toilet to clean his cuts. He kept his mind on cleaning up the mess. The least he could do.

When he went to check on them, door closed, he heard sobbing, and dry heaving. His chest tightened at the softness in Ben’s voice, the innocence.

“Jay, I love you...remember, yeah? I’ll never leave ya. Love you so much.”

Paul waited for, “ _because we’re brothers_ ,” but some petty part of him grimaced when he did hear the words, because Ben kept saying them, and kept saying them. The more he said them, the more Paul wondered who he was trying to convince. 

He ran a harsh hand through his curls, hating himself for caring about something like that right now. It wasn’t the time to think about reading 5 meanings into Ben’s words, or to question why Johnny stared at them whenever they went into the pub, or even to wonder if his gran knew how much she hurt him every time she pushed Ben further away. This was about Jay. Jay and Ben. They needed him.

Ben finally emerged, stumbling a bit from lack of sleep and the blood swimming in his own eyes. 

Paul put his arms around Ben, worried he’d flinch, but Ben, to his surprise, gave into his embrace, resting his heavy head on Paul’s shoulder.

“Thank you...I-I meant to thank your gran and granddad.” 

Paul shook his head, kissing Ben as a distraction, hating himself for not telling Ben why he’d rather Ben not speak to his gran at all.

“No need. Billy’s like their son. It’s fine.”

Ben managed a nod through his yawn.

“Might go back home for a kip. Not that it’s much of a home...”

The way he trailed off made Paul kiss him again, short and sweet.

“Take my bed. Changed the sheets and everything.” 

Ben allowed himself a small smile.

“My hero.”

A quick glance to the sitting room his grandparents had vacated as soon as possible that morning, as even Ben could notice the tension.

“You sure?”

He was sure, even if it meant a row with gran. He couldn’t let Ben go back there right now. If it was up to him Ben would never leave again.

“Sure,” Paul grinned, taking Ben by the hand as if he’d never been in there before.

He slipped Ben’s trousers and shoes off, kissing his calves before tucking him in. He carefully removed Ben’s thick glasses, noticing how vulnerable he was without them...how pleading his stare was. 

“Paul? Can ya - stay with Jay?”

Paul swallowed hard. 

Jay. 

“Course. Sweet dreams.” 

As he quietly closed his bedroom door, he held onto the knob for support, knowing it was the most he could expect, or deserve. 

When he saw Jay, it was a ghostlike figure slouched against the front door, head in his hands.

As Paul sat down beside him, he felt a fresh wave of guilt for whatever envy he had in him, locked somewhere impossible to wash out.

“Gotta go...it ain’t fair to ya, to Pam or Les...”

 Paul squeezed his shoulder, heartsick when Jay flinched at the simple touch.

“Why don’t you let us decide that?”

Jay ground the heels of his hands into his dead eyes. 

“I just wanna crawl in a hole and bury meself. I can’t do this. If Ben knew what I’ve thought about doin’, it’d kill ‘im.”

Paul looked down, knowing Jay was right.

When he put his arm around Jay, who didn’t flinch this time, Jay began shivering, like a lost puppy. 

“Right. That’s it,” Paul forced through the lump in his throat, taking Jay by the hand to his room, where Ben was dead to the world. 

“He snores like a train...ain’t he a doll,” Jay said, smiling fondly. 

Paul shared his smile before pulling him into the empty half of the bed.

He knew Jay was broken, because there was no joke, no reminder that he was the only straight lad in the room. 

There was only acceptance as Paul kissed his forehead, held him close as he shook. 

Jay wept in his arms until he finally gave into sleep, and whatever nightmares Paul hoped would spare him for a few hours. 

Paul kissed his forehead, before leaning over to nuzzle Ben’s cheek.

Sleeping Ben.

He watched them both sleep.

Sleep for him - well, it would just have to wait. 


End file.
